Sunday, October 25, 2009
Help Me!
Or maybe I should say, "Help Jackson!". The kid is killing me! I know all kids have their moments but his is never ending! He's happy if he is doing exactly what he wants when he wants and nothing else matters! I am having a very difficult time with boy of mine and I need some help! He never wants to go to school, hates to put pants on (just give him his "slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery" shorts and a hoodie), only wants to watch TV (we have been limiting that more and more), does not listen to his teachers in nursery or at school and NEVER listens to me or Colin. He is sometimes happy but the not listening thing is getting to us. He will listen if he is threatened with a time out or a trip to his room or bribery but if not he just doesn't care what we say. So, you mom's out there, help us, please. I am tired of threatening, I just want my boy to listen and to stop being so moody. Thanks!
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14 comments:
My only suggestion is with the TV. A friend of mine wanted to cut her daughter's viewing time back, so she told her the TV was "broken." It took about three days, but her little girl got over it. I don't know if this would work for you, though, because it means also cutting out Mia's TV time, which may or may not be needed/wanted/deserved.
I am so not an expert, but here is an idea that works with my kids. If they aren't listening I get down to their level and put my face right in front of theirs to have a conversation. They always seem way more engaged in what I'm saying if they are looking at me. Also try "threatening" with rewards instead of punishments. Another thing I would say is that when I go through a stage like this with one of my kids it seems like every day is filled with a lot of negativity with that child so if you try to give them lots of positive feedback throughout the day it doesn't seem as bad when you do have to punish them. Anyway, just some thoughts. Good luck! He will grow out of it soon.
Valerie has been in that stage since oh, about age 5. It is wonderful. I even put her into therapy for it. the therapist said she wants to feel in charge, so I would let her choose what we had for dinner, or what I wore to work, but it made no difference in her attitude. Last night she REFUSED to get off my computer and time out does not work any more. I finally got her in her room, but my then I was pretty much enraged. I am not help at all, I really do not know how to deal with blatent obstinance. I wish I did. I will be reading comments here too because maybe something will work... though I have tried everything at least twice.
Wow, your Jack and my Jack are SO alike! With my Jack, the only thing that really works is giving him choices. I'll say, "You can wear this, this or this" and he can choose, but they are all choices I'm okay with. I do this with meal time, play time (you can play with your castle or color, etc) and with punishments (since you didn't listen you can either sit in your room or sit on the stairs). That way they feel like they are making the choices, but you are limiting their choices to what you are okay with. It helps them feel like they are in charge of themselves but with some structure still. My Jack is moody too, but I just give him a big hug and let him deal with it himself. I just let him know that if he needs something, let me know, but while he is grumpy I can't help him. I hope this helps! I tried to get him into some sort of headstart, thinking that something was wrong with him, but the school psychologist said he is normal for his age so hopefully this is a stage that passes quick!
This may seem kind of strange (and not at all motherly), but it made me think of something I learned in my HR class last year. We were talking about how to reinforce the right kinds of behavior, and my teacher made the point that it's a lot like training a pet to behave. i.e., when your dog is barking and you want him to stop, the wrong thing to do is to shower him with attention - even if it is you saying, "stop barking! stop it!" because ANY attention is all the dog needs to keep on going. The right way is to give some sharp, quick reprimand, and then ignore him. THEN when he's being quiet, give him LOTS of love and attention, and thus he learns that not causing a fuss = good.
I hate to compare Jack to a dog, but here I go. It's true that humans react exactly the same way. We all respond to whatever feedback and reinforcement we get to our behavior. If he gets praised and rewarded for doing what he should, he's going to want to do it more. And on the flip side, if he acts out/ignores you and gets no response, eventually he's going to realize that it's no fun.
lori, i wish i had any good advice for you. i wasn't always the best mom with stuff like this. i guess my one suggestion is to read the Book of Mormon with him, even a few verses. it brings the Spirit into our lives. the Spirit softens our spirits, and maybe it could help. wish i had had a blog to run things like this by people. debby
Thank you everyone. I think I need to step it up a notch with him, get down on his level (thanks Rachel) and let him choose his punishment (like Carissa said). I do want him to have a love of the Book of Mormon too so reading scriptures more with him won't hurt either. Everyone gave such great advice! Thanks! Abby, I think Jack would rather be a dog anyway.
parenting with love and logic is a grat book i read when my kids were being difficult.. logical consequences...
The choices idea is a very, very good one. The book in my day to read was "the strong-willed child." Which I did read, but I found it to not relate and was bothered by the... philosophical tone.
Anyway, I love the choices one. Next time I have an issue, I will tell her to go to her room or sit on the steps and see what the choice is ;-)
Do his teachers have any suggestions that work at preschool?
I am no expert either but maybe try spending some alone time with him. Sometimes it is hard being the middle child, you feel a little lost. Maybe take him to the zoo or to a museum with just the two of you.
I think Jack comes by it honestly. His daddy had a mind of his own too, when he was little, and he's doing just fine now, so maybe there's hope. Actually, I think that trait is a plus as little boys get older and have to think for themselves. It's hard on Momma in the mean time, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, as long as you keep teaching him correct principles. Hang in.
David
Hey Lori and Colin--This has nothing to do with Jackson, but my parents are coming for Thanksgiving and we were wondering if you had plans. We'd love to have to over for Turkey and pie. Let me know.
Holly
I happen to have two focused and abitious children that know exctly what they want too. If I had said adults you probably would have been so proud but as children they are hard to deal with right! I missed the mark with Simon but seem to have it a bit better with Avari. Since we have been doing our star chart with 2 thumbs up the volume and atmosphere has mellowed out ALOT! AND you would not believe this but there are days where the two thumbs stay up and there are stars all over the place! We have even had weeks where not one time out or loss of privileges! THey are rare BUT hey I have to count my blessings when I see them. It takes consistency on your part and THAT IS THE KEY. Something I have struggled with but with practice have almost mastered unless I get distracted by the myself. They are trained now so that I can't get away with it because they will TOTALLY call me out!!! Just a suggestion. Jack is SUCH a sweet boy and doesn't seem like the type who wants the attention as much as he wants his way. DONT WE ALL! Avari is like this and is happy with little attention as long as she is doing what she wants. I always give options but they are polar OPPOSITE!!! Two choices, eat the snack provided or you are welcome to go hungry and have water until the next meal. I guarantee you this will only happen a couple times and they will begin to choose what you want and then you increase the choices. You can any snack in this basket or you can go hungry. They remember you being consistent and voila you are in the homestretch. I hope this helped. Good to know other Mommies are in the same boat!!!! Even if it feels like it has sprung a leak and you are going down sometimes!!! Much love!
Hi lori!
We have had the same problems with Aylor. Two things made a huge difference. 1) I started giving him fish oil supplements. My mom read that boys are usually lacking in them and that can cause behavior problems. 2) We read 'The well behaved child' by JOhn Rosemond. That book made a huge difference as I realized it was my parenting style that wasnt working for his personality. Good luck!
Katy
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